Can’t make a read more out of this I’m sorry I just
I’m supposed to model for a friend in a fashion show Friday night, but I’m considering withdrawing before she actually sews something for me. I’ve gained so much weight in the past year due to all the stress I’ve been through and I feel so utterly disgusting, fat and horrible about it. I just feel huge in the worst possible way. I wasn’t comfortable in my body a year ago, but it was far better than it is now. I feel like such a hypocrite because I don’t care about size when it comes to others. But all I’m able to think about is how I will be the fattest of all the models without being the tallest one and I seriously look at myself and break down because before I gained so much I could live with myself and now I want to die just having to look at my body. It’s so disgusting and I don’t know what to do with it. I feel sick to my stomach and like I will heave and ugh. My body even holds onto it so I don’t lose anything easily either due to the stress. I just. No. I want to cancel life because I’ve been feeling so bad for so long and I’m really starting to wonder if I want too much without having the energy or willpower for all of it. I should probably request for a higher dose of my meds so I might be less of a nervous wreck
When you’re young, thunderstorms seem scary. Like the sky is angry at you. But now that I’m older, something about its roar soothes me; it’s comforting to know that even nature needs to scream sometimes.
When I tag my things with “don’t reblog” that means don’t fucking reblog. Please, please, please don’t reblog things like that. Yes this is a media where you post things publicly, but I post them for me. So I would really appreciate at least that level of respect when I do tag my own posts like that.
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